All's Well That Ends Well by William Shakespeare
Act 2 - Scene 2
Rousillon. The COUNT’s palace.
Countess : Come on, sir; I shall now put you to the height of
[p]your breeding.
Clown : I will show myself highly fed and lowly taught: I
[p]know my business
is but to the court.
Countess : To the court! why, what place make you special,
[p]when you put off
that with such contempt? But to the court!
Clown : Truly, madam, if God have lent a man any manners, he
[p]may easily put
it off at court: he that cannot make
[p]a leg, put off's cap, kiss his
hand and say nothing,
[p]has neither leg, hands, lip, nor cap; and
indeed
[p]such a fellow, to say precisely, were not for the
[p]court;
but for me, I have an answer will serve all
[p]men.
Countess : Marry, that's a bountiful answer that fits all
[p]questions.
Clown : It is like a barber's chair that fits all buttocks,
[p]the
pin-buttock, the quatch-buttock, the brawn
[p]buttock, or any
buttock.
Countess : Will your answer serve fit to all questions?
Clown : As fit as ten groats is for the hand of an attorney,
[p]as your French
crown for your taffeta punk, as Tib's
[p]rush for Tom's forefinger, as
a pancake for Shrove
[p]Tuesday, a morris for May-day, as the nail to
his
[p]hole, the cuckold to his horn, as a scolding queen
[p]to a
wrangling knave, as the nun's lip to the
[p]friar's mouth, nay, as the
pudding to his skin.
Countess : Have you, I say, an answer of such fitness for all
[p]questions?
Clown : From below your duke to beneath your constable, it
[p]will fit any
question.
Countess : It must be an answer of most monstrous size that
[p]must fit all
demands.
Clown : But a trifle neither, in good faith, if the learned
[p]should speak
truth of it: here it is, and all that
[p]belongs to't. Ask me if I am
a courtier: it shall
[p]do you no harm to learn.
Countess : To be young again, if we could: I will be a fool in
[p]question,
hoping to be the wiser by your answer. I
[p]pray you, sir, are you a
courtier?
Clown : O Lord, sir! There's a simple putting off. More,
[p]more, a hundred of
them.
Countess : Sir, I am a poor friend of yours, that loves you.
Clown : O Lord, sir! Thick, thick, spare not me.
Countess : I think, sir, you can eat none of this homely meat.
Clown : O Lord, sir! Nay, put me to't, I warrant you.
Countess : You were lately whipped, sir, as I think.
Clown : O Lord, sir! spare not me.
Countess : Do you cry, 'O Lord, sir!' at your whipping, and
[p]'spare not me?'
Indeed your 'O Lord, sir!' is very
[p]sequent to your whipping: you
would answer very well
[p]to a whipping, if you were but bound to't.
Clown : I ne'er had worse luck in my life in my 'O Lord,
[p]sir!' I see things
may serve long, but not serve ever.
Countess : I play the noble housewife with the time
[p]To entertain't so merrily
with a fool.
Clown : O Lord, sir! why, there't serves well again.
Countess : An end, sir; to your business. Give Helen this,
[p]And urge her to a
present answer back:
[p]Commend me to my kinsmen and my son:
[p]This
is not much.
Clown : Not much commendation to them.
Countess : Not much employment for you: you understand me?
Clown : Most fruitfully: I am there before my legs.
Countess : Haste you again.
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Next: Act 2 - Scene 3
