As You Like It by William Shakespeare
Act 3 - Scene 3
The forest
(stage directions) : Enter TOUCHSTONE and AUDREY; JAQUES behind
Touchstone : Come apace, good Audrey; I will fetch up your goats,
[p]Audrey. And
how, Audrey, am I the man yet? Doth my simple feature
[p]content you?
Audrey : Your features! Lord warrant us! What features?
Touchstone : I am here with thee and thy goats, as the most
[p]capricious poet,
honest Ovid, was among the Goths.
Jaques (lord) : [Aside] O knowledge ill-inhabited, worse than Jove in a
[p]thatch'd
house!
Touchstone : When a man's verses cannot be understood, nor a man's
[p]good wit
seconded with the forward child understanding, it
[p]strikes a man
more dead than a great reckoning in a little room.
[p]Truly, I would
the gods had made thee poetical.
Audrey : I do not know what 'poetical' is. Is it honest in deed and
[p]word? Is
it a true thing?
Touchstone : No, truly; for the truest poetry is the most feigning,
[p]and lovers
are given to poetry; and what they swear in poetry may
[p]be said as
lovers they do feign.
Audrey : Do you wish, then, that the gods had made me poetical?
Touchstone : I do, truly, for thou swear'st to me thou art honest;
[p]now, if thou
wert a poet, I might have some hope thou didst
[p]feign.
Audrey : Would you not have me honest?
Touchstone : No, truly, unless thou wert hard-favour'd; for honesty
[p]coupled to
beauty is to have honey a sauce to sugar.
Jaques (lord) : [Aside] A material fool!
Audrey : Well, I am not fair; and therefore I pray the gods make me
[p]honest.
Touchstone : Truly, and to cast away honesty upon a foul slut were
[p]to put good
meat into an unclean dish.
Audrey : I am not a slut, though I thank the gods I am foul.
Touchstone : Well, praised be the gods for thy foulness;
[p]sluttishness may come
hereafter. But be it as it may be, I will
[p]marry thee; and to that
end I have been with Sir Oliver Martext,
[p]the vicar of the next
village, who hath promis'd to meet me in
[p]this place of the forest,
and to couple us.
Jaques (lord) : [Aside] I would fain see this meeting.
Audrey : Well, the gods give us joy!
Touchstone : Amen. A man may, if he were of a fearful heart, stagger
[p]in this
attempt; for here we have no temple but the wood, no
[p]assembly but
horn-beasts. But what though? Courage! As horns are
[p]odious, they
are necessary. It is said: 'Many a man knows no end
[p]of his goods.'
Right! Many a man has good horns and knows no end
[p]of them. Well,
that is the dowry of his wife; 'tis none of his
[p]own getting. Horns?
Even so. Poor men alone? No, no; the noblest
[p]deer hath them as huge
as the rascal. Is the single man therefore
[p]blessed? No; as a wall'd
town is more worthier than a village, so
[p]is the forehead of a
married man more honourable than the bare
[p]brow of a bachelor; and
by how much defence is better than no
[p]skill, by so much is horn
more precious than to want. Here comes
[p]Sir Oliver.
[p][Enter SIR
OLIVER MARTEXT]
[p]Sir Oliver Martext, you are well met. Will you
dispatch us here
[p]under this tree, or shall we go with you to your
chapel?
Sir Oliver Martext : Is there none here to give the woman?
Touchstone : I will not take her on gift of any man.
Sir Oliver Martext : Truly, she must be given, or the marriage is not lawful.
Jaques (lord) : [Discovering himself] Proceed, proceed; I'll give her.
Touchstone : Good even, good Master What-ye-call't; how do you, sir?
[p]You are
very well met. Goddild you for your last company. I am
[p]very glad to
see you. Even a toy in hand here, sir. Nay; pray be
[p]cover'd.
Jaques (lord) : Will you be married, motley?
Touchstone : As the ox hath his bow, sir, the horse his curb, and
[p]the falcon her
bells, so man hath his desires; and as pigeons
[p]bill, so wedlock
would be nibbling.
Jaques (lord) : And will you, being a man of your breeding, be married
[p]under a
bush, like a beggar? Get you to church and have a good
[p]priest that
can tell you what marriage is; this fellow will but
[p]join you
together as they join wainscot; then one of you will
[p]prove a shrunk
panel, and like green timber warp, warp.
Touchstone : [Aside] I am not in the mind but I were better to be
[p]married of him
than of another; for he is not like to marry me
[p]well; and not being
well married, it will be a good excuse for me
[p]hereafter to leave my
wife.
Jaques (lord) : Go thou with me, and let me counsel thee.
Touchstone : Come, sweet Audrey;
[p]We must be married or we must live in
bawdry.
[p]Farewell, good Master Oliver. Not-
[p] O sweet
Oliver,
[p] O brave Oliver,
[p] Leave me not behind
thee.
[p]But-
[p] Wind away,
[p] Begone, I
say,
[p] I will not to wedding with thee.
[p]
Exeunt JAQUES, TOUCHSTONE, and AUDREY
Sir Oliver Martext : 'Tis no matter; ne'er a fantastical knave of them all
[p]shall flout
me out of my calling. Exit
Previous: Act 3 - Scene 2
Next: Act 3 - Scene 4
