Comedy of Errors by William Shakespeare
Act 3 - Scene 1
Before the house of ANTIPHOLUS of Ephesus.
Antipholus of Ephesus : Good Signior Angelo, you must excuse us all;
[p]My wife is shrewish
when I keep not hours:
[p]Say that I linger'd with you at your
shop
[p]To see the making of her carcanet,
[p]And that to-morrow you
will bring it home.
[p]But here's a villain that would face me
down
[p]He met me on the mart, and that I beat him,
[p]And charged him
with a thousand marks in gold,
[p]And that I did deny my wife and
house.
[p]Thou drunkard, thou, what didst thou mean by this?
Dromio of Ephesus : Say what you will, sir, but I know what I know;
[p]That you beat me at
the mart, I have your hand to show:
[p]If the skin were parchment, and
the blows you gave were ink,
[p]Your own handwriting would tell you
what I think.
Antipholus of Ephesus : I think thou art an ass.
Dromio of Ephesus : Marry, so it doth appear
[p]By the wrongs I suffer and the blows I
bear.
[p]I should kick, being kick'd; and, being at that pass,
[p]You
would keep from my heels and beware of an ass.
Antipholus of Ephesus : You're sad, Signior Balthazar: pray God our cheer
[p]May answer my
good will and your good welcome here.
Balthazar : I hold your dainties cheap, sir, and your
[p]welcome dear.
Antipholus of Ephesus : O, Signior Balthazar, either at flesh or fish,
[p]A table full of
welcome make scarce one dainty dish.
Balthazar : Good meat, sir, is common; that every churl affords.
Antipholus of Ephesus : And welcome more common; for that's nothing but words.
Balthazar : Small cheer and great welcome makes a merry feast.
Antipholus of Ephesus : Ay, to a niggardly host, and more sparing guest:
[p]But though my
cates be mean, take them in good part;
[p]Better cheer may you have,
but not with better heart.
[p]But, soft! my door is lock'd. Go bid
them let us in.
Dromio of Ephesus : Maud, Bridget, Marian, Cicel, Gillian, Ginn!
Dromio of Syracuse : [Within] Mome, malt-horse, capon, coxcomb,
[p]idiot, patch!
[p]Either
get thee from the door, or sit down at the hatch.
[p]Dost thou conjure
for wenches, that thou call'st
[p]for such store,
[p]When one is one
too many? Go, get thee from the door.
Dromio of Ephesus : What patch is made our porter? My master stays in
[p]the street.
Dromio of Syracuse : [Within] Let him walk from whence he came, lest he
[p]catch cold on's
feet.
Antipholus of Ephesus : Who talks within there? ho, open the door!
Dromio of Syracuse : [Within] Right, sir; I'll tell you when, an you tell
[p]me wherefore.
Antipholus of Ephesus : Wherefore? for my dinner: I have not dined to-day.
Dromio of Syracuse : [Within] Nor to-day here you must not; come again
[p]when you may.
Antipholus of Ephesus : What art thou that keepest me out from the house I owe?
Dromio of Syracuse : [Within] The porter for this time, sir, and my name
[p]is Dromio.
Dromio of Ephesus : O villain! thou hast stolen both mine office and my name.
[p]The one
ne'er got me credit, the other mickle blame.
[p]If thou hadst been
Dromio to-day in my place,
[p]Thou wouldst have changed thy face for a
name or thy
[p]name for an ass.
Luce : [Within] What a coil is there, Dromio? who are those
[p]at the gate?
Dromio of Ephesus : Let my master in, Luce.
Luce : [Within] Faith, no; he comes too late;
[p]And so tell your master.
Dromio of Ephesus : O Lord, I must laugh!
[p]Have at you with a proverb--Shall I set in my
staff?
Luce : [Within] Have at you with another; that's--When?
[p]can you tell?
Dromio of Syracuse : [Within] If thy name be call'd Luce--Luce, thou hast
[p]answered him
well.
Antipholus of Ephesus : Do you hear, you minion? you'll let us in, I hope?
Luce : [Within] I thought to have asked you.
Dromio of Syracuse : [Within] And you said no.
Dromio of Ephesus : So, come, help: well struck! there was blow for blow.
Antipholus of Ephesus : Thou baggage, let me in.
Luce : [Within] Can you tell for whose sake?
Dromio of Ephesus : Master, knock the door hard.
Luce : [Within] Let him knock till it ache.
Antipholus of Ephesus : You'll cry for this, minion, if I beat the door down.
Luce : [Within] What needs all that, and a pair of stocks in the town?
Adriana : [Within] Who is that at the door that keeps all
[p]this noise?
Dromio of Syracuse : [Within] By my troth, your town is troubled with
[p]unruly boys.
Antipholus of Ephesus : Are you there, wife? you might have come before.
Adriana : [Within] Your wife, sir knave! go get you from the door.
Dromio of Ephesus : If you went in pain, master, this 'knave' would go sore.
Angelo : Here is neither cheer, sir, nor welcome: we would
[p]fain have
either.
Balthazar : In debating which was best, we shall part with neither.
Dromio of Ephesus : They stand at the door, master; bid them welcome hither.
Antipholus of Ephesus : There is something in the wind, that we cannot get in.
Dromio of Ephesus : You would say so, master, if your garments were thin.
[p]Your cake
there is warm within; you stand here in the cold:
[p]It would make a
man mad as a buck, to be so bought and sold.
Antipholus of Ephesus : Go fetch me something: I'll break ope the gate.
Dromio of Syracuse : [Within] Break any breaking here, and I'll break your
[p]knave's
pate.
Dromio of Ephesus : A man may break a word with you, sir, and words are but wind,
[p]Ay,
and break it in your face, so he break it not behind.
Dromio of Syracuse : [Within] It seems thou want'st breaking: out upon
[p]thee, hind!
Dromio of Ephesus : Here's too much 'out upon thee!' I pray thee,
[p]let me in.
Dromio of Syracuse : [Within] Ay, when fowls have no feathers and fish have no fin.
Antipholus of Ephesus : Well, I'll break in: go borrow me a crow.
Dromio of Ephesus : A crow without feather? Master, mean you so?
[p]For a fish without a
fin, there's a fowl without a feather;
[p]If a crow help us in,
sirrah, we'll pluck a crow together.
Antipholus of Ephesus : Go get thee gone; fetch me an iron crow.
Balthazar : Have patience, sir; O, let it not be so!
[p]Herein you war against
your reputation
[p]And draw within the compass of suspect
[p]The
unviolated honour of your wife.
[p]Once this,--your long experience of
her wisdom,
[p]Her sober virtue, years and modesty,
[p]Plead on her
part some cause to you unknown:
[p]And doubt not, sir, but she will
well excuse
[p]Why at this time the doors are made against you.
[p]Be
ruled by me: depart in patience,
[p]And let us to the Tiger all to
dinner,
[p]And about evening come yourself alone
[p]To know the reason
of this strange restraint.
[p]If by strong hand you offer to break
in
[p]Now in the stirring passage of the day,
[p]A vulgar comment will
be made of it,
[p]And that supposed by the common rout
[p]Against your
yet ungalled estimation
[p]That may with foul intrusion enter
in
[p]And dwell upon your grave when you are dead;
[p]For slander
lives upon succession,
[p]For ever housed where it gets possession.
Antipholus of Ephesus : You have prevailed: I will depart in quiet,
[p]And, in despite of
mirth, mean to be merry.
[p]I know a wench of excellent
discourse,
[p]Pretty and witty; wild, and yet, too, gentle:
[p]There
will we dine. This woman that I mean,
[p]My wife--but, I protest,
without desert--
[p]Hath oftentimes upbraided me withal:
[p]To her
will we to dinner.
[p][To Angelo]
[p]Get you home
[p]And fetch the
chain; by this I know 'tis made:
[p]Bring it, I pray you, to the
Porpentine;
[p]For there's the house: that chain will I bestow--
[p]Be
it for nothing but to spite my wife--
[p]Upon mine hostess there: good
sir, make haste.
[p]Since mine own doors refuse to entertain
me,
[p]I'll knock elsewhere, to see if they'll disdain me.
Angelo : I'll meet you at that place some hour hence.
Antipholus of Ephesus : Do so. This jest shall cost me some expense.
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