Merry Wives of Windsor by William Shakespeare

Act 1 - Scene 1

Windsor. Before PAGE’s house.

Slender : In the county of Gloucester, justice of peace and [p]'Coram.'

Slender : Ay, and 'Rato-lorum' too; and a gentleman born, [p]master parson; who
writes himself 'Armigero,' in any [p]bill, warrant, quittance, or
obligation, 'Armigero.'

Slender : All his successors gone before him hath done't; and [p]all his
ancestors that come after him may: they may [p]give the dozen white
luces in their coat.

Sir Hugh Evans : The dozen white louses do become an old coat well; [p]it agrees well,
passant; it is a familiar beast to [p]man, and signifies love.

Slender : I may quarter, coz.

Sir Hugh Evans : It is marring indeed, if he quarter it.

Sir Hugh Evans : Yes, py'r lady; if he has a quarter of your coat, [p]there is but
three skirts for yourself, in my [p]simple conjectures: but that is
all one. If Sir [p]John Falstaff have committed disparagements
unto [p]you, I am of the church, and will be glad to do
my [p]benevolence to make atonements and compremises [p]between you.

Sir Hugh Evans : It is not meet the council hear a riot; there is no [p]fear of Got in
a riot: the council, look you, shall [p]desire to hear the fear of
Got, and not to hear a [p]riot; take your vizaments in that.

Sir Hugh Evans : It is petter that friends is the sword, and end it: [p]and there is
also another device in my prain, which [p]peradventure prings goot
discretions with it: there [p]is Anne Page, which is daughter to
Master Thomas [p]Page, which is pretty virginity.

Slender : Mistress Anne Page? She has brown hair, and speaks [p]small like a
woman.

Sir Hugh Evans : It is that fery person for all the orld, as just as [p]you will
desire; and seven hundred pounds of moneys, [p]and gold and silver, is
her grandsire upon his [p]death's-bed--Got deliver to a joyful
resurrections! [p]--give, when she is able to overtake seventeen
years [p]old: it were a goot motion if we leave our pribbles [p]and
prabbles, and desire a marriage between Master [p]Abraham and Mistress
Anne Page.

Slender : Did her grandsire leave her seven hundred pound?

Sir Hugh Evans : Ay, and her father is make her a petter penny.

Slender : I know the young gentlewoman; she has good gifts.

Sir Hugh Evans : Seven hundred pounds and possibilities is goot gifts.

Sir Hugh Evans : Shall I tell you a lie? I do despise a liar as I do [p]despise one
that is false, or as I despise one that [p]is not true. The knight,
Sir John, is there; and, I [p]beseech you, be ruled by your
well-willers. I will [p]peat the door for Master
Page. [p][Knocks] [p]What, hoa! Got pless your house here!

Page : [Within] Who's there?

Sir Hugh Evans : Here is Got's plessing, and your friend, and Justice [p]Shallow; and
here young Master Slender, that [p]peradventures shall tell you
another tale, if [p]matters grow to your likings.

Page : I am glad to see your worships well. [p]I thank you for my venison,
Master Shallow.

Page : Sir, I thank you.

Page : I am glad to see you, good Master Slender.

Slender : How does your fallow greyhound, sir? I heard say he [p]was outrun on
Cotsall.

Page : It could not be judged, sir.

Slender : You'll not confess, you'll not confess.

Page : A cur, sir.

Page : Sir, he is within; and I would I could do a good [p]office between
you.

Sir Hugh Evans : It is spoke as a Christians ought to speak.

Page : Sir, he doth in some sort confess it.

Page : Here comes Sir John.

Sir Hugh Evans : Pauca verba, Sir John; goot worts.

Slender : Marry, sir, I have matter in my head against you; [p]and against your
cony-catching rascals, Bardolph, [p]Nym, and Pistol.

Bardolph : You Banbury cheese!

Slender : Ay, it is no matter.

Slender : Where's Simple, my man? Can you tell, cousin?

Sir Hugh Evans : Peace, I pray you. Now let us understand. There is [p]three umpires in
this matter, as I understand; that [p]is, Master Page, fidelicet
Master Page; and there is [p]myself, fidelicet myself; and the three
party is, [p]lastly and finally, mine host of the Garter.

Page : We three, to hear it and end it between them.

Sir Hugh Evans : Fery goot: I will make a prief of it in my note- [p]book; and we will
afterwards ork upon the cause with [p]as great discreetly as we can.

Sir Hugh Evans : The tevil and his tam! what phrase is this, 'He [p]hears with ear'?
why, it is affectations.

Slender : Ay, by these gloves, did he, or I would I might [p]never come in mine
own great chamber again else, of [p]seven groats in mill-sixpences,
and two Edward [p]shovel-boards, that cost me two shilling and
two [p]pence apiece of Yead Miller, by these gloves.

Sir Hugh Evans : No; it is false, if it is a pick-purse.

Slender : By these gloves, then, 'twas he.

Slender : By this hat, then, he in the red face had it; for [p]though I cannot
remember what I did when you made me [p]drunk, yet I am not altogether
an ass.

Bardolph : Why, sir, for my part I say the gentleman had drunk [p]himself out of
his five sentences.

Sir Hugh Evans : It is his five senses: fie, what the ignorance is!

Bardolph : And being fap, sir, was, as they say, cashiered; and [p]so conclusions
passed the careires.

Slender : Ay, you spake in Latin then too; but 'tis no [p]matter: I'll ne'er be
drunk whilst I live again, [p]but in honest, civil, godly company, for
this trick: [p]if I be drunk, I'll be drunk with those that
have [p]the fear of God, and not with drunken knaves.

Sir Hugh Evans : So Got udge me, that is a virtuous mind.

Page : Nay, daughter, carry the wine in; we'll drink within.

Slender : O heaven! this is Mistress Anne Page.

Page : How now, Mistress Ford!

Page : Wife, bid these gentlemen welcome. Come, we have a [p]hot venison
pasty to dinner: come, gentlemen, I hope [p]we shall drink down all
unkindness.

Slender : I had rather than forty shillings I had my Book of [p]Songs and
Sonnets here. [p][Enter SIMPLE] [p]How now, Simple! where have you
been? I must wait [p]on myself, must I? You have not the Book of
Riddles [p]about you, have you?

Simple : Book of Riddles! why, did you not lend it to Alice [p]Shortcake upon
All-hallowmas last, a fortnight [p]afore Michaelmas?

Slender : Ay, sir, you shall find me reasonable; if it be so, [p]I shall do that
that is reason.

Slender : So I do, sir.

Sir Hugh Evans : Give ear to his motions, Master Slender: I will [p]description the
matter to you, if you be capacity of it.

Slender : Nay, I will do as my cousin Shallow says: I pray [p]you, pardon me;
he's a justice of peace in his [p]country, simple though I stand
here.

Sir Hugh Evans : But that is not the question: the question is [p]concerning your
marriage.

Sir Hugh Evans : Marry, is it; the very point of it; to Mistress Anne Page.

Slender : Why, if it be so, I will marry her upon any [p]reasonable demands.

Sir Hugh Evans : But can you affection the 'oman? Let us command to [p]know that of
your mouth or of your lips; for divers [p]philosophers hold that the
lips is parcel of the [p]mouth. Therefore, precisely, can you carry
your [p]good will to the maid?

Slender : I hope, sir, I will do as it shall become one that [p]would do
reason.

Sir Hugh Evans : Nay, Got's lords and his ladies! you must speak [p]possitable, if you
can carry her your desires [p]towards her.

Slender : I will do a greater thing than that, upon your [p]request, cousin, in
any reason.

Slender : I will marry her, sir, at your request: but if there [p]be no great
love in the beginning, yet heaven may [p]decrease it upon better
acquaintance, when we are [p]married and have more occasion to know
one another; [p]I hope, upon familiarity will grow more
contempt: [p]but if you say, 'Marry her,' I will marry her; that [p]I
am freely dissolved, and dissolutely.

Sir Hugh Evans : It is a fery discretion answer; save the fall is in [p]the ort
'dissolutely:' the ort is, according to our [p]meaning, 'resolutely:'
his meaning is good.

Slender : Ay, or else I would I might be hanged, la!

Anne Page : The dinner is on the table; my father desires your [p]worships'
company.

Sir Hugh Evans : Od's plessed will! I will not be absence at the grace.

Anne Page : Will't please your worship to come in, sir?

Slender : No, I thank you, forsooth, heartily; I am very well.

Anne Page : The dinner attends you, sir.

Slender : I am not a-hungry, I thank you, forsooth. Go, [p]sirrah, for all you
are my man, go wait upon my [p]cousin Shallow. [p][Exit SIMPLE] [p]A
justice of peace sometimes may be beholding to his [p]friend for a
man. I keep but three men and a boy [p]yet, till my mother be dead:
but what though? Yet I [p]live like a poor gentleman born.

Anne Page : I may not go in without your worship: they will not [p]sit till you
come.

Slender : I' faith, I'll eat nothing; I thank you as much as [p]though I did.

Anne Page : I pray you, sir, walk in.

Slender : I had rather walk here, I thank you. I bruised [p]my shin th' other
day with playing at sword and [p]dagger with a master of fence; three
veneys for a [p]dish of stewed prunes; and, by my troth, I
cannot [p]abide the smell of hot meat since. Why do your [p]dogs bark
so? be there bears i' the town?

Anne Page : I think there are, sir; I heard them talked of.

Slender : I love the sport well but I shall as soon quarrel at [p]it as any man
in England. You are afraid, if you see [p]the bear loose, are you
not?

Anne Page : Ay, indeed, sir.

Slender : That's meat and drink to me, now. I have seen [p]Sackerson loose
twenty times, and have taken him by [p]the chain; but, I warrant you,
the women have so [p]cried and shrieked at it, that it passed: but
women, [p]indeed, cannot abide 'em; they are very ill-favored [p]rough
things.

Page : Come, gentle Master Slender, come; we stay for you.

Slender : I'll eat nothing, I thank you, sir.

Page : By cock and pie, you shall not choose, sir! come, come.

Slender : Nay, pray you, lead the way.

Page : Come on, sir.

Slender : Mistress Anne, yourself shall go first.

Anne Page : Not I, sir; pray you, keep on.

Slender : I'll rather be unmannerly than troublesome. [p]You do yourself wrong,
indeed, la!

Next: Act 1 - Scene 2