Much Ado about Nothing by William Shakespeare

Act 1 - Scene 1

Before LEONATO’S house.

Leonato : I learn in this letter that Don Peter of Arragon [p]comes this night
to Messina.

Messenger : He is very near by this: he was not three leagues off [p]when I left
him.

Leonato : How many gentlemen have you lost in this action?

Messenger : But few of any sort, and none of name.

Leonato : A victory is twice itself when the achiever brings [p]home full
numbers. I find here that Don Peter hath [p]bestowed much honour on a
young Florentine called Claudio.

Messenger : Much deserved on his part and equally remembered by [p]Don Pedro: he
hath borne himself beyond the [p]promise of his age, doing, in the
figure of a lamb, [p]the feats of a lion: he hath indeed
better [p]bettered expectation than you must expect of me to [p]tell
you how.

Leonato : He hath an uncle here in Messina will be very much [p]glad of it.

Messenger : I have already delivered him letters, and there [p]appears much joy in
him; even so much that joy could [p]not show itself modest enough
without a badge of [p]bitterness.

Leonato : Did he break out into tears?

Messenger : In great measure.

Leonato : A kind overflow of kindness: there are no faces [p]truer than those
that are so washed. How much [p]better is it to weep at joy than to
joy at weeping!

Beatrice : I pray you, is Signior Mountanto returned from the [p]wars or no?

Messenger : I know none of that name, lady: there was none such [p]in the army of
any sort.

Leonato : What is he that you ask for, niece?

Hero : My cousin means Signior Benedick of Padua.

Messenger : O, he's returned; and as pleasant as ever he was.

Beatrice : He set up his bills here in Messina and challenged [p]Cupid at the
flight; and my uncle's fool, reading [p]the challenge, subscribed for
Cupid, and challenged [p]him at the bird-bolt. I pray you, how many
hath he [p]killed and eaten in these wars? But how many hath [p]he
killed? for indeed I promised to eat all of his killing.

Leonato : Faith, niece, you tax Signior Benedick too much; [p]but he'll be meet
with you, I doubt it not.

Messenger : He hath done good service, lady, in these wars.

Beatrice : You had musty victual, and he hath holp to eat it: [p]he is a very
valiant trencherman; he hath an [p]excellent stomach.

Messenger : And a good soldier too, lady.

Beatrice : And a good soldier to a lady: but what is he to a lord?

Messenger : A lord to a lord, a man to a man; stuffed with all [p]honourable
virtues.

Beatrice : It is so, indeed; he is no less than a stuffed man: [p]but for the
stuffing,--well, we are all mortal.

Leonato : You must not, sir, mistake my niece. There is a [p]kind of merry war
betwixt Signior Benedick and her: [p]they never meet but there's a
skirmish of wit [p]between them.

Beatrice : Alas! he gets nothing by that. In our last [p]conflict four of his
five wits went halting off, and [p]now is the whole man governed with
one: so that if [p]he have wit enough to keep himself warm, let
him [p]bear it for a difference between himself and his [p]horse; for
it is all the wealth that he hath left, [p]to be known a reasonable
creature. Who is his [p]companion now? He hath every month a new sworn
brother.

Messenger : Is't possible?

Beatrice : Very easily possible: he wears his faith but as [p]the fashion of his
hat; it ever changes with the [p]next block.

Messenger : I see, lady, the gentleman is not in your books.

Beatrice : No; an he were, I would burn my study. But, I pray [p]you, who is his
companion? Is there no young [p]squarer now that will make a voyage
with him to the devil?

Messenger : He is most in the company of the right noble Claudio.

Beatrice : O Lord, he will hang upon him like a disease: he [p]is sooner caught
than the pestilence, and the taker [p]runs presently mad. God help the
noble Claudio! if [p]he have caught the Benedick, it will cost him
a [p]thousand pound ere a' be cured.

Messenger : I will hold friends with you, lady.

Beatrice : Do, good friend.

Leonato : You will never run mad, niece.

Beatrice : No, not till a hot January.

Messenger : Don Pedro is approached.

Don Pedro : Good Signior Leonato, you are come to meet your [p]trouble: the
fashion of the world is to avoid [p]cost, and you encounter it.

Leonato : Never came trouble to my house in the likeness of [p]your grace: for
trouble being gone, comfort should [p]remain; but when you depart from
me, sorrow abides [p]and happiness takes his leave.

Don Pedro : You embrace your charge too willingly. I think this [p]is your
daughter.

Leonato : Her mother hath many times told me so.

Benedick : Were you in doubt, sir, that you asked her?

Leonato : Signior Benedick, no; for then were you a child.

Don Pedro : You have it full, Benedick: we may guess by this [p]what you are,
being a man. Truly, the lady fathers [p]herself. Be happy, lady; for
you are like an [p]honourable father.

Benedick : If Signior Leonato be her father, she would not [p]have his head on
her shoulders for all Messina, as [p]like him as she is.

Beatrice : I wonder that you will still be talking, Signior [p]Benedick: nobody
marks you.

Benedick : What, my dear Lady Disdain! are you yet living?

Beatrice : Is it possible disdain should die while she hath [p]such meet food to
feed it as Signior Benedick? [p]Courtesy itself must convert to
disdain, if you come [p]in her presence.

Benedick : Then is courtesy a turncoat. But it is certain I [p]am loved of all
ladies, only you excepted: and I [p]would I could find in my heart
that I had not a hard [p]heart; for, truly, I love none.

Beatrice : A dear happiness to women: they would else have [p]been troubled with
a pernicious suitor. I thank God [p]and my cold blood, I am of your
humour for that: I [p]had rather hear my dog bark at a crow than a
man [p]swear he loves me.

Benedick : God keep your ladyship still in that mind! so some [p]gentleman or
other shall 'scape a predestinate [p]scratched face.

Beatrice : Scratching could not make it worse, an 'twere such [p]a face as yours
were.

Benedick : Well, you are a rare parrot-teacher.

Beatrice : A bird of my tongue is better than a beast of yours.

Benedick : I would my horse had the speed of your tongue, and [p]so good a
continuer. But keep your way, i' God's [p]name; I have done.

Beatrice : You always end with a jade's trick: I know you of old.

Don Pedro : That is the sum of all, Leonato. Signior Claudio [p]and Signior
Benedick, my dear friend Leonato hath [p]invited you all. I tell him
we shall stay here at [p]the least a month; and he heartily prays
some [p]occasion may detain us longer. I dare swear he is
no [p]hypocrite, but prays from his heart.

Leonato : If you swear, my lord, you shall not be forsworn. [p][To DON
JOHN] [p]Let me bid you welcome, my lord: being reconciled to [p]the
prince your brother, I owe you all duty.

Don John : I thank you: I am not of many words, but I thank [p]you.

Leonato : Please it your grace lead on?

Don Pedro : Your hand, Leonato; we will go together.

Claudio : Benedick, didst thou note the daughter of Signior Leonato?

Benedick : I noted her not; but I looked on her.

Claudio : Is she not a modest young lady?

Benedick : Do you question me, as an honest man should do, for [p]my simple true
judgment; or would you have me speak [p]after my custom, as being a
professed tyrant to their sex?

Claudio : No; I pray thee speak in sober judgment.

Benedick : Why, i' faith, methinks she's too low for a high [p]praise, too brown
for a fair praise and too little [p]for a great praise: only this
commendation I can [p]afford her, that were she other than she is,
she [p]were unhandsome; and being no other but as she is, I [p]do not
like her.

Claudio : Thou thinkest I am in sport: I pray thee tell me [p]truly how thou
likest her.

Benedick : Would you buy her, that you inquire after her?

Claudio : Can the world buy such a jewel?

Benedick : Yea, and a case to put it into. But speak you this [p]with a sad brow?
or do you play the flouting Jack, [p]to tell us Cupid is a good
hare-finder and Vulcan a [p]rare carpenter? Come, in what key shall a
man take [p]you, to go in the song?

Claudio : In mine eye she is the sweetest lady that ever I [p]looked on.

Benedick : I can see yet without spectacles and I see no such [p]matter: there's
her cousin, an she were not [p]possessed with a fury, exceeds her as
much in beauty [p]as the first of May doth the last of December. But
I [p]hope you have no intent to turn husband, have you?

Claudio : I would scarce trust myself, though I had sworn the [p]contrary, if
Hero would be my wife.

Benedick : Is't come to this? In faith, hath not the world [p]one man but he will
wear his cap with suspicion? [p]Shall I never see a bachelor of
three-score again? [p]Go to, i' faith; an thou wilt needs thrust thy
neck [p]into a yoke, wear the print of it and sigh away [p]Sundays.
Look Don Pedro is returned to seek you.

Don Pedro : What secret hath held you here, that you followed [p]not to
Leonato's?

Benedick : I would your grace would constrain me to tell.

Don Pedro : I charge thee on thy allegiance.

Benedick : You hear, Count Claudio: I can be secret as a dumb [p]man; I would
have you think so; but, on my [p]allegiance, mark you this, on my
allegiance. He is [p]in love. With who? now that is your grace's
part. [p]Mark how short his answer is;--With Hero, Leonato's [p]short
daughter.

Claudio : If this were so, so were it uttered.

Benedick : Like the old tale, my lord: 'it is not so, nor [p]'twas not so, but,
indeed, God forbid it should be [p]so.'

Claudio : If my passion change not shortly, God forbid it [p]should be
otherwise.

Don Pedro : Amen, if you love her; for the lady is very well worthy.

Claudio : You speak this to fetch me in, my lord.

Don Pedro : By my troth, I speak my thought.

Claudio : And, in faith, my lord, I spoke mine.

Benedick : And, by my two faiths and troths, my lord, I spoke mine.

Claudio : That I love her, I feel.

Don Pedro : That she is worthy, I know.

Benedick : That I neither feel how she should be loved nor [p]know how she should
be worthy, is the opinion that [p]fire cannot melt out of me: I will
die in it at the stake.

Don Pedro : Thou wast ever an obstinate heretic in the despite [p]of beauty.

Claudio : And never could maintain his part but in the force [p]of his will.

Benedick : That a woman conceived me, I thank her; that she [p]brought me up, I
likewise give her most humble [p]thanks: but that I will have a
recheat winded in my [p]forehead, or hang my bugle in an invisible
baldrick, [p]all women shall pardon me. Because I will not do [p]them
the wrong to mistrust any, I will do myself the [p]right to trust
none; and the fine is, for the which [p]I may go the finer, I will
live a bachelor.

Don Pedro : I shall see thee, ere I die, look pale with love.

Benedick : With anger, with sickness, or with hunger, my lord, [p]not with love:
prove that ever I lose more blood [p]with love than I will get again
with drinking, pick [p]out mine eyes with a ballad-maker's pen and
hang me [p]up at the door of a brothel-house for the sign of [p]blind
Cupid.

Don Pedro : Well, if ever thou dost fall from this faith, thou [p]wilt prove a
notable argument.

Benedick : If I do, hang me in a bottle like a cat and shoot [p]at me; and he
that hits me, let him be clapped on [p]the shoulder, and called Adam.

Don Pedro : Well, as time shall try: 'In time the savage bull [p]doth bear the
yoke.'

Benedick : The savage bull may; but if ever the sensible [p]Benedick bear it,
pluck off the bull's horns and set [p]them in my forehead: and let me
be vilely painted, [p]and in such great letters as they write 'Here
is [p]good horse to hire,' let them signify under my sign [p]'Here you
may see Benedick the married man.'

Claudio : If this should ever happen, thou wouldst be horn-mad.

Don Pedro : Nay, if Cupid have not spent all his quiver in [p]Venice, thou wilt
quake for this shortly.

Benedick : I look for an earthquake too, then.

Don Pedro : Well, you temporize with the hours. In the [p]meantime, good Signior
Benedick, repair to [p]Leonato's: commend me to him and tell him I
will [p]not fail him at supper; for indeed he hath made [p]great
preparation.

Benedick : I have almost matter enough in me for such an [p]embassage; and so I
commit you--

Claudio : To the tuition of God: From my house, if I had it,--

Don Pedro : The sixth of July: Your loving friend, Benedick.

Benedick : Nay, mock not, mock not. The body of your [p]discourse is sometime
guarded with fragments, and [p]the guards are but slightly basted on
neither: ere [p]you flout old ends any further, examine
your [p]conscience: and so I leave you.

Claudio : My liege, your highness now may do me good.

Don Pedro : My love is thine to teach: teach it but how, [p]And thou shalt see how
apt it is to learn [p]Any hard lesson that may do thee good.

Claudio : Hath Leonato any son, my lord?

Don Pedro : No child but Hero; she's his only heir. [p]Dost thou affect her,
Claudio?

Claudio : O, my lord, [p]When you went onward on this ended action, [p]I look'd
upon her with a soldier's eye, [p]That liked, but had a rougher task
in hand [p]Than to drive liking to the name of love: [p]But now I am
return'd and that war-thoughts [p]Have left their places vacant, in
their rooms [p]Come thronging soft and delicate desires, [p]All
prompting me how fair young Hero is, [p]Saying, I liked her ere I went
to wars.

Don Pedro : Thou wilt be like a lover presently [p]And tire the hearer with a book
of words. [p]If thou dost love fair Hero, cherish it, [p]And I will
break with her and with her father, [p]And thou shalt have her. Was't
not to this end [p]That thou began'st to twist so fine a story?

Claudio : How sweetly you do minister to love, [p]That know love's grief by his
complexion! [p]But lest my liking might too sudden seem, [p]I would
have salved it with a longer treatise.

Don Pedro : What need the bridge much broader than the flood? [p]The fairest grant
is the necessity. [p]Look, what will serve is fit: 'tis once, thou
lovest, [p]And I will fit thee with the remedy. [p]I know we shall
have revelling to-night: [p]I will assume thy part in some
disguise [p]And tell fair Hero I am Claudio, [p]And in her bosom I'll
unclasp my heart [p]And take her hearing prisoner with the
force [p]And strong encounter of my amorous tale: [p]Then after to her
father will I break; [p]And the conclusion is, she shall be
thine. [p]In practise let us put it presently.

Next: Act 1 - Scene 2

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