Much Ado about Nothing by William Shakespeare
Act 3 - Scene 3
A street.
Dogberry : Are you good men and true?
Verges : Yea, or else it were pity but they should suffer
[p]salvation, body
and soul.
Dogberry : Nay, that were a punishment too good for them, if
[p]they should have
any allegiance in them, being
[p]chosen for the prince's watch.
Verges : Well, give them their charge, neighbour Dogberry.
Dogberry : First, who think you the most desertless man to be
[p]constable?
First Watchman : Hugh Otecake, sir, or George Seacole; for they can
[p]write and read.
Dogberry : Come hither, neighbour Seacole. God hath blessed
[p]you with a good
name: to be a well-favoured man is
[p]the gift of fortune; but to
write and read comes by nature.
Second Watchman : Both which, master constable,--
Dogberry : You have: I knew it would be your answer. Well,
[p]for your favour,
sir, why, give God thanks, and make
[p]no boast of it; and for your
writing and reading,
[p]let that appear when there is no need of
such
[p]vanity. You are thought here to be the most
[p]senseless and
fit man for the constable of the
[p]watch; therefore bear you the
lantern. This is your
[p]charge: you shall comprehend all vagrom men;
you are
[p]to bid any man stand, in the prince's name.
Second Watchman : How if a' will not stand?
Dogberry : Why, then, take no note of him, but let him go; and
[p]presently call
the rest of the watch together and
[p]thank God you are rid of a
knave.
Verges : If he will not stand when he is bidden, he is none
[p]of the prince's
subjects.
Dogberry : True, and they are to meddle with none but the
[p]prince's subjects.
You shall also make no noise in
[p]the streets; for, for the watch to
babble and to
[p]talk is most tolerable and not to be endured.
Watchman : We will rather sleep than talk: we know what
[p]belongs to a watch.
Dogberry : Why, you speak like an ancient and most quiet
[p]watchman; for I
cannot see how sleeping should
[p]offend: only, have a care that your
bills be not
[p]stolen. Well, you are to call at all
the
[p]ale-houses, and bid those that are drunk get them to bed.
Watchman : How if they will not?
Dogberry : Why, then, let them alone till they are sober: if
[p]they make you not
then the better answer, you may
[p]say they are not the men you took
them for.
Watchman : Well, sir.
Dogberry : If you meet a thief, you may suspect him, by virtue
[p]of your office,
to be no true man; and, for such
[p]kind of men, the less you meddle
or make with them,
[p]why the more is for your honesty.
Watchman : If we know him to be a thief, shall we not lay
[p]hands on him?
Dogberry : Truly, by your office, you may; but I think they
[p]that touch pitch
will be defiled: the most peaceable
[p]way for you, if you do take a
thief, is to let him
[p]show himself what he is and steal out of your
company.
Verges : You have been always called a merciful man, partner.
Dogberry : Truly, I would not hang a dog by my will, much more
[p]a man who hath
any honesty in him.
Verges : If you hear a child cry in the night, you must call
[p]to the nurse
and bid her still it.
Watchman : How if the nurse be asleep and will not hear us?
Dogberry : Why, then, depart in peace, and let the child wake
[p]her with crying;
for the ewe that will not hear her
[p]lamb when it baes will never
answer a calf when he bleats.
Verges : 'Tis very true.
Dogberry : This is the end of the charge:--you, constable, are
[p]to present the
prince's own person: if you meet the
[p]prince in the night, you may
stay him.
Verges : Nay, by'r our lady, that I think a' cannot.
Dogberry : Five shillings to one on't, with any man that knows
[p]the statutes,
he may stay him: marry, not without
[p]the prince be willing; for,
indeed, the watch ought
[p]to offend no man; and it is an offence to
stay a
[p]man against his will.
Verges : By'r lady, I think it be so.
Dogberry : Ha, ha, ha! Well, masters, good night: an there be
[p]any matter of
weight chances, call up me: keep your
[p]fellows' counsels and your
own; and good night.
[p]Come, neighbour.
Watchman : Well, masters, we hear our charge: let us go sit here
[p]upon the
church-bench till two, and then all to bed.
Dogberry : One word more, honest neighbours. I pray you watch
[p]about Signior
Leonato's door; for the wedding being
[p]there to-morrow, there is a
great coil to-night.
[p]Adieu: be vigitant, I beseech you.
Borachio : What Conrade!
Watchman : [Aside] Peace! stir not.
Borachio : Conrade, I say!
Conrade : Here, man; I am at thy elbow.
Borachio : Mass, and my elbow itched; I thought there would a
[p]scab follow.
Conrade : I will owe thee an answer for that: and now forward
[p]with thy tale.
Borachio : Stand thee close, then, under this pent-house, for
[p]it drizzles
rain; and I will, like a true drunkard,
[p]utter all to thee.
Watchman : [Aside] Some treason, masters: yet stand close.
Borachio : Therefore know I have earned of Don John a thousand ducats.
Conrade : Is it possible that any villany should be so dear?
Borachio : Thou shouldst rather ask if it were possible any
[p]villany should be
so rich; for when rich villains
[p]have need of poor ones, poor ones
may make what
[p]price they will.
Conrade : I wonder at it.
Borachio : That shows thou art unconfirmed. Thou knowest that
[p]the fashion of a
doublet, or a hat, or a cloak, is
[p]nothing to a man.
Conrade : Yes, it is apparel.
Borachio : I mean, the fashion.
Conrade : Yes, the fashion is the fashion.
Borachio : Tush! I may as well say the fool's the fool. But
[p]seest thou not
what a deformed thief this fashion
[p]is?
Watchman : [Aside] I know that Deformed; a' has been a vile
[p]thief this seven
year; a' goes up and down like a
[p]gentleman: I remember his name.
Borachio : Didst thou not hear somebody?
Conrade : No; 'twas the vane on the house.
Borachio : Seest thou not, I say, what a deformed thief this
[p]fashion is? how
giddily a' turns about all the hot
[p]bloods between fourteen and
five-and-thirty?
[p]sometimes fashioning them like Pharaoh's
soldiers
[p]in the reeky painting, sometime like god Bel's
[p]priests
in the old church-window, sometime like the
[p]shaven Hercules in the
smirched worm-eaten tapestry,
[p]where his codpiece seems as massy as
his club?
Conrade : All this I see; and I see that the fashion wears
[p]out more apparel
than the man. But art not thou
[p]thyself giddy with the fashion too,
that thou hast
[p]shifted out of thy tale into telling me of the
fashion?
Borachio : Not so, neither: but know that I have to-night
[p]wooed Margaret, the
Lady Hero's gentlewoman, by the
[p]name of Hero: she leans me out at
her mistress'
[p]chamber-window, bids me a thousand times
good
[p]night,--I tell this tale vilely:--I should first
[p]tell thee
how the prince, Claudio and my master,
[p]planted and placed and
possessed by my master Don
[p]John, saw afar off in the orchard this
amiable encounter.
Conrade : And thought they Margaret was Hero?
Borachio : Two of them did, the prince and Claudio; but the
[p]devil my master
knew she was Margaret; and partly
[p]by his oaths, which first
possessed them, partly by
[p]the dark night, which did deceive them,
but chiefly
[p]by my villany, which did confirm any slander
that
[p]Don John had made, away went Claudio enraged; swore
[p]he
would meet her, as he was appointed, next morning
[p]at the temple,
and there, before the whole
[p]congregation, shame her with what he
saw o'er night
[p]and send her home again without a husband.
First Watchman : We charge you, in the prince's name, stand!
Second Watchman : Call up the right master constable. We have here
[p]recovered the most
dangerous piece of lechery that
[p]ever was known in the
commonwealth.
First Watchman : And one Deformed is one of them: I know him; a'
[p]wears a lock.
Conrade : Masters, masters,--
Second Watchman : You'll be made bring Deformed forth, I warrant you.
Conrade : Masters,--
First Watchman : Never speak: we charge you let us obey you to go with us.
Borachio : We are like to prove a goodly commodity, being taken
[p]up of these
men's bills.
Conrade : A commodity in question, I warrant you. Come, we'll obey you.
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