Much Ado about Nothing by William Shakespeare
Act 4 - Scene 2
A prison.
Dogberry : Is our whole dissembly appeared?
Verges : O, a stool and a cushion for the sexton.
Sexton : Which be the malefactors?
Dogberry : Marry, that am I and my partner.
Verges : Nay, that's certain; we have the exhibition to examine.
Sexton : But which are the offenders that are to be
[p]examined? let them come
before master constable.
Dogberry : Yea, marry, let them come before me. What is your
[p]name, friend?
Borachio : Borachio.
Dogberry : Pray, write down, Borachio. Yours, sirrah?
Conrade : I am a gentleman, sir, and my name is Conrade.
Dogberry : Write down, master gentleman Conrade. Masters, do
[p]you serve God?
Conrade : [with Borachio] Yea, sir, we hope.
Dogberry : Write down, that they hope they serve God: and
[p]write God first; for
God defend but God should go
[p]before such villains! Masters, it is
proved already
[p]that you are little better than false knaves; and
it
[p]will go near to be thought so shortly. How answer
[p]you for
yourselves?
Conrade : Marry, sir, we say we are none.
Dogberry : A marvellous witty fellow, I assure you: but I
[p]will go about with
him. Come you hither, sirrah; a
[p]word in your ear: sir, I say to
you, it is thought
[p]you are false knaves.
Borachio : Sir, I say to you we are none.
Dogberry : Well, stand aside. 'Fore God, they are both in a
[p]tale. Have you
writ down, that they are none?
Sexton : Master constable, you go not the way to examine:
[p]you must call
forth the watch that are their accusers.
Dogberry : Yea, marry, that's the eftest way. Let the watch
[p]come forth.
Masters, I charge you, in the prince's
[p]name, accuse these men.
First Watchman : This man said, sir, that Don John, the prince's
[p]brother, was a
villain.
Dogberry : Write down Prince John a villain. Why, this is flat
[p]perjury, to
call a prince's brother villain.
Borachio : Master constable,--
Dogberry : Pray thee, fellow, peace: I do not like thy look,
[p]I promise thee.
Sexton : What heard you him say else?
Second Watchman : Marry, that he had received a thousand ducats of
[p]Don John for
accusing the Lady Hero wrongfully.
Dogberry : Flat burglary as ever was committed.
Verges : Yea, by mass, that it is.
Sexton : What else, fellow?
First Watchman : And that Count Claudio did mean, upon his words, to
[p]disgrace Hero
before the whole assembly. and not marry her.
Dogberry : O villain! thou wilt be condemned into everlasting
[p]redemption for
this.
Sexton : What else?
Watchman : This is all.
Sexton : And this is more, masters, than you can deny.
[p]Prince John is this
morning secretly stolen away;
[p]Hero was in this manner accused, in
this very manner
[p]refused, and upon the grief of this suddenly
died.
[p]Master constable, let these men be bound, and
[p]brought to
Leonato's: I will go before and show
[p]him their examination.
Dogberry : Come, let them be opinioned.
Verges : Let them be in the hands--
Conrade : Off, coxcomb!
Dogberry : God's my life, where's the sexton? let him write
[p]down the prince's
officer coxcomb. Come, bind them.
[p]Thou naughty varlet!
Conrade : Away! you are an ass, you are an ass.
Dogberry : Dost thou not suspect my place? dost thou not
[p]suspect my years? O
that he were here to write me
[p]down an ass! But, masters, remember
that I am an
[p]ass; though it be not written down, yet forget
not
[p]that I am an ass. No, thou villain, thou art full of
[p]piety,
as shall be proved upon thee by good witness.
[p]I am a wise fellow,
and, which is more, an officer,
[p]and, which is more, a householder,
and, which is
[p]more, as pretty a piece of flesh as any is
in
[p]Messina, and one that knows the law, go to; and a
[p]rich fellow
enough, go to; and a fellow that hath
[p]had losses, and one that hath
two gowns and every
[p]thing handsome about him. Bring him away. O
that
[p]I had been writ down an ass!
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