Troilus and Cressida by William Shakespeare
Act 2 - Scene 1
A part of the Grecian camp.
Ajax : Thersites!
Thersites : Agamemnon, how if he had boils? full, all over,
[p]generally?
Ajax : Thersites!
Thersites : And those boils did run? say so: did not the
[p]general run then? were
not that a botchy core?
Ajax : Dog!
Thersites : Then would come some matter from him; I see none now.
Ajax : Thou bitch-wolf's son, canst thou not hear?
[p][Beating him]
[p]Feel,
then.
Thersites : The plague of Greece upon thee, thou mongrel
[p]beef-witted lord!
Ajax : Speak then, thou vinewedst leaven, speak: I will
[p]beat thee into
handsomeness.
Thersites : I shall sooner rail thee into wit and holiness: but,
[p]I think, thy
horse will sooner con an oration than
[p]thou learn a prayer without
book. Thou canst strike,
[p]canst thou? a red murrain o' thy jade's
tricks!
Ajax : Toadstool, learn me the proclamation.
Thersites : Dost thou think I have no sense, thou strikest me thus?
Ajax : The proclamation!
Thersites : Thou art proclaimed a fool, I think.
Ajax : Do not, porpentine, do not: my fingers itch.
Thersites : I would thou didst itch from head to foot and I had
[p]the scratching
of thee; I would make thee the
[p]loathsomest scab in Greece. When
thou art forth in
[p]the incursions, thou strikest as slow as
another.
Ajax : I say, the proclamation!
Thersites : Thou grumblest and railest every hour on Achilles,
[p]and thou art as
full of envy at his greatness as
[p]Cerberus is at Proserpine's
beauty, ay, that thou
[p]barkest at him.
Ajax : Mistress Thersites!
Thersites : Thou shouldest strike him.
Ajax : Cobloaf!
Thersites : He would pun thee into shivers with his fist, as a
[p]sailor breaks a
biscuit.
Ajax : [Beating him] You whoreson cur!
Thersites : Do, do.
Ajax : Thou stool for a witch!
Thersites : Ay, do, do; thou sodden-witted lord! thou hast no
[p]more brain than I
have in mine elbows; an assinego
[p]may tutor thee: thou
scurvy-valiant ass! thou art
[p]here but to thrash Trojans; and thou
art bought and
[p]sold among those of any wit, like a barbarian
slave.
[p]If thou use to beat me, I will begin at thy heel,
and
[p]tell what thou art by inches, thou thing of no
[p]bowels,
thou!
Ajax : You dog!
Thersites : You scurvy lord!
Ajax : [Beating him] You cur!
Thersites : Mars his idiot! do, rudeness; do, camel; do, do.
Achilles : Why, how now, Ajax! wherefore do you thus? How now,
[p]Thersites!
what's the matter, man?
Thersites : You see him there, do you?
Achilles : Ay; what's the matter?
Thersites : Nay, look upon him.
Achilles : So I do: what's the matter?
Thersites : Nay, but regard him well.
Achilles : 'Well!' why, I do so.
Thersites : But yet you look not well upon him; for whosoever you
[p]take him to
be, he is Ajax.
Achilles : I know that, fool.
Thersites : Ay, but that fool knows not himself.
Ajax : Therefore I beat thee.
Thersites : Lo, lo, lo, lo, what modicums of wit he utters! his
[p]evasions have
ears thus long. I have bobbed his
[p]brain more than he has beat my
bones: I will buy
[p]nine sparrows for a penny, and his pia mater is
not
[p]worth the nineth part of a sparrow. This lord,
[p]Achilles,
Ajax, who wears his wit in his belly and
[p]his guts in his head, I'll
tell you what I say of
[p]him.
Achilles : What?
Thersites : I say, this Ajax--
Achilles : Nay, good Ajax.
Thersites : Has not so much wit--
Achilles : Nay, I must hold you.
Thersites : As will stop the eye of Helen's needle, for whom he
[p]comes to
fight.
Achilles : Peace, fool!
Thersites : I would have peace and quietness, but the fool will
[p]not: he there:
that he: look you there.
Ajax : O thou damned cur! I shall--
Achilles : Will you set your wit to a fool's?
Thersites : No, I warrant you; for a fools will shame it.
Patroclus : Good words, Thersites.
Achilles : What's the quarrel?
Ajax : I bade the vile owl go learn me the tenor of the
[p]proclamation, and
he rails upon me.
Thersites : I serve thee not.
Ajax : Well, go to, go to.
Thersites : I serve here voluntarily.
Achilles : Your last service was sufferance, 'twas not
[p]voluntary: no man is
beaten voluntary: Ajax was
[p]here the voluntary, and you as under an
impress.
Thersites : E'en so; a great deal of your wit, too, lies in your
[p]sinews, or
else there be liars. Hector have a great
[p]catch, if he knock out
either of your brains: a'
[p]were as good crack a fusty nut with no
kernel.
Achilles : What, with me too, Thersites?
Thersites : There's Ulysses and old Nestor, whose wit was mouldy
[p]ere your
grandsires had nails on their toes, yoke you
[p]like draught-oxen and
make you plough up the wars.
Achilles : What, what?
Thersites : Yes, good sooth: to, Achilles! to, Ajax! to!
Ajax : I shall cut out your tongue.
Thersites : 'Tis no matter! I shall speak as much as thou
[p]afterwards.
Patroclus : No more words, Thersites; peace!
Thersites : I will hold my peace when Achilles' brach bids me, shall I?
Achilles : There's for you, Patroclus.
Thersites : I will see you hanged, like clotpoles, ere I come
[p]any more to your
tents: I will keep where there is
[p]wit stirring and leave the
faction of fools.
Patroclus : A good riddance.
Achilles : Marry, this, sir, is proclaim'd through all our host:
[p]That Hector,
by the fifth hour of the sun,
[p]Will with a trumpet 'twixt our tents
and Troy
[p]To-morrow morning call some knight to arms
[p]That hath a
stomach; and such a one that dare
[p]Maintain--I know not what: 'tis
trash. Farewell.
Ajax : Farewell. Who shall answer him?
Achilles : I know not: 'tis put to lottery; otherwise
[p]He knew his man.
Ajax : O, meaning you. I will go learn more of it.
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Next: Act 2 - Scene 2
